Backwards and Forwards
by Avenue Potter
Summary: Carisi and Rollins get closer during her maternity leave. Thanks to Emploding for the beta! I was inspired to write this after I saw the "Patrimonial Burden" & "Catfishing Teacher" episodes. As of right now (many episodes later), I think this story can still fit (or squeeze) into cannon, but you never know where the show will take us and then this fic might quickly become AU.
1. Chapter 1

His hand just hangs there in the air in front of the recently closed door. His jaw clenches as he ponders what had just happened.

How did he misread the situation? He knew that he was easy enough to read, always wearing his heart on his sleeve. And his brain for that matter. He didn't have a great filter. His mother had always admonished him to think before he spoke, but that was a lesson he was still learning, even in his thirties. No one was ever left wondering what his thoughts and feelings were - he was an open book.

But she wasn't.

Yet how many times could he see things that others didn't? Her "tough girl" attitude didn't faze him. He knew she was tough . . . Yet he also knew she was human. Knew that beneath the surface there was always more going on that she would ever let on.

Damn, he thought he could read her. Resigned, he lowers his hand and sighs. He puts it on his hip and looks down. He thought they had been having a moment. Several of them actually. He feels a bit of shame at his own audacity for thinking that he knew her that well, for putting himself out there and getting turned away.

Disappointed, he turns and walks away from her door.

* * *

Earlier that day . . .

"Hey there, little one!" Carisi bellows as he steps through Amanda's doorway, sounding jolly as he takes Jesse from her arms and coos to her.

"What's with the beard?" Amanda cocks one eyebrow at him, trying to look stern, but failing.

"Hey, yo - I'm Santa Claus."

"Really?"

"Well, at least to Jesse I am."

"She's only six weeks old," Amanda says sardonically.

"Yeah, but she's got a thing for guys with beards already, look."

Jesse is curling pieces of it in her fists.

"That's just her grasping reflex - you put something that close to her, she grabs it."

"Yeah, like your nipples. Babies need that skill to find something to eat, eh?"

She tries to get offended, but can't. This is Carisi. She is way too used to the innocently inappropriate things that regularly come out of his mouth.

"Yeah."

She watches him with Jesse. He's a natural. He walks around with her like he was born to be a father - her father. It's endearing. Carisi catches her watching him and his expression changes into one meant just for her. She feels self-conscious, but even so a small smile reaches her lips before she looks away.

"So what are we doing with the little squirt today?" he asks, attention back on Jesse.

"Taking that beard off."

He tilts his head down to look back at Amanda wryly.

"You know, this is part of my Santa Claus suit."

"Really? I'd like to see that."

"Yeah, well maybe next year. I become the jolly old man for my church every Christmas."

"You do?" she could almost envision it.

"Yeah, you just missed it. Someone's gotta check those naughty and nice lists twice." He winks.

"And which list are you on?"

"You know." There's that look again.

Yeah, she knows. He's on the nice list.

She approaches him and gently pries Jesse's hand from his beard. The baby fusses a bit, but Carisi soothes her right away. Amanda reaches up to his face, finds the corner of the beard near his ear and peels it away. Halfway through her eyes dart up to his and he's still looking at her in that way. She can't help but smile back and holds his gaze as she finishes.

"There," she says softly and pats his cheek. His blue eyes crinkle into an even deeper smile than hers.

* * *

They take turns pushing the stroller as they walk around Central Park in the freezing cold air. They've been walking for so long Carisi wants to take a break.

"Hey, Rollins. Why don't you take a load off." He points to a metal bench they are approaching.

"Are you kidding me? If I sit on that my ass will freeze."

"Fine, I'll sit on it for you. Then you can sit on my lap. And then Jesse can sit on yours." He says matter-of-factly.

Amanda is looking at him with her typical wry smile, arms crossed over her chest.

"Come on, lighten up." He grins at his brilliant idea. "We can make like a little pyramid . . . One on top of the other. And my ass will take the heat for everyone."

"The heat?"

"Or the burn - the freezer burn." He chuckles as he waves her over and pushes the stroller to the bench. "Come on."

She goes over and sits down, but not on him.

"Ah, I see the tough girl's toughing it out."

"You'd better hope my ass doesn't get frostbite."

"Hey, I already told you how you can prevent that." Carisi gives her a knowing look.

"Not a chance Carisi." She holds out her arms, "Hand me Jesse, will you?"

"Here ya go," he lifts Jesse out of the stroller, making sure she's still bundled up and hands her to her mother. He watches Amanda as she talks softly to her daughter, stroking her cheek. He wonders if she's ever felt so close to anyone before. Her family dynamics were fucked up to say the least. Yet the love she beams down at her daughter comes from a better place, he can tell.

"You're really good with her, you know," he says.

"You really think so? I . . . I don't know. I mean, I enjoy being a mother more than I thought possible. But you know I worry that I won't do a good job of it" she sighs and continues " . . . my family, you know."

"Yeah, I do know," he says softly and touches her shoulder, which has tensed up, "But hey, you aren't them. This, what I see here . . . This . . . "

She looks up at him expectantly.

"This is good, you know. Right." He stares at her firmly. "You're going to be a good mother. You already are."

He feels her relax under his touch as she sighs again. He puts his arm around her and pulls her into his shoulder. She does not resist. They sit there for a good long while.

* * *

"Brrr. Brrr. Oh, damn I'm so cold," Amanda says as she takes off her gloves and the warm indoors burns her ice cold hands. She obviously did not dress well enough for the weather.

"Here, let me help you," she hears Carisi say from behind her. "Just let me go put Jesse down first."

"Okay."

Amanda tugs off her coat, happy that the rest of her isn't as cold as her hands. Already forgetting that Carisi had just told her he was going to help her - how in the hell was he going to do that? - she turns on the water in her sink, waiting for it to run lukewarm before putting her hands in it.

"Hey hey hey! I was going to take care of that," she hears Carisi say, catching her just in time before she dunks them into the stream of running water.

He shuts off the spigot and turns her around to face him. . .

"What - ?"

. . . and takes her hands into his.

As he starts rubbing them she gets a little annoyed at being coddled. "Carisi, I had the situation under control."

"Yeah, but what you were doing was crazy."

"Crazy?"

"Yeah, why would you let some measly water warm you up when you've got a better option?"

"A better option?"

"Yeah, you've got me. The Italian hand warmer!"

She bursts out laughing. "Carisi, you are too much."

"Nah, I'm just the best."

They smile and laugh while he continues to warm up her hands.

"She's good for you, you know."

"Jesse?"

"Yeah. She'll mellow you out. You'll see."

"I doubt it."

"You're making good progress."

Amanda snorts.

"Okay, done?" he asks, releasing her hands.

She wrings them out against each other and decides, no. She puts her hands back into his.

"Not quite."

* * *

Amanda's all warmed up, Jesse's down for a nap, and it's time for him to leave. Amanda walks him to the door.

There's an awkward silence between them once he's across the door jam and they should be saying their goodbyes. She looks up at him with something in her eyes that is different than he's used to seeing - expectation, longing, hope? Is now the time . . . ?

He reaches out to cup her face and her expression doesn't change. But as he leans down towards her something changes and her eyes close. Her hand comes up to his wrist and grabs it.

"Carisi."

With her eyes still closed she pushes away the hand that had been cupping her face.

"Stop."

She opens her eyes, releases his hand, and closes the door.


	2. Chapter 2

"Look, you sound agitated . . . You sound like you need someone over there."

Those who notice the rise in Carisi's voice look over and see his hand rubbing over his furrowed brow.

"No, I don't worry too much . . ."

They see him shake his head.

"I don't care. I'm coming over."

He slams down the phone. "I'm heading out. Got something to attend to."

He grabs his coat, throws it over his shoulders, and heads for the elevators.

"Rollins?" someone asks once he's out of earshot.

"Yep," Fin answers nonchalantly, not even looking up from his paperwork.

* * *

He is knocking, no banging on her door. Frannie has run into the room barking to alert her. She sighs, pissed off, and drags herself from the couch to pull open the door.

"I told you that you didn't need to come over here."

"And I obviously didn't listen, did I?"

Carisi reaches down to pet Frannie, "Hey girl."

Frannie has stopped barking and now wiggles with happiness at his attention.

"You know, her barking probably woke Jesse."

He cocks an ear up to listen in dramatic fashion. "I don't hear her. Do you?"

"Well, since you haven't disturbed _anyone_ ," she begins sarcastically, "Why don't you come on in?"

"Will do," he says as she pulls the door open even wider to let him pass.

He steps inside, shrugs off his coat and attempts to put it on her flimsy coat rack - one made for the lighter jackets used in the South, not for the heavy ones that cold New England winters demand. It's a little piece of her past that she refuses to get rid of, no matter how impractical. Carisi has told her that he finds her sporadic use of sentimentality to be endearing, but right now he just looks like he wants to stop struggling with the rack and get down to business. He finally succeeds, turns around, and notices her slumped against the door.

"Wow, you look like hell, Amanda."

"Thanks, Carisi."

"No, I mean it."

"I'm sure you do."

"What happened?" he steps forward, reaching for her arm.

She lets him touch her, but looks away.

"Hey . . . " He says softly.

"You know what?" she says angrily, shrugging him off. "I should never have called you."

"No, you did the right thing."

"No, if I hadn't called you, you wouldn't be here right now."

"Exactly. And you need me here."

"Who says I need you? Who says I need anyone?"

"Amanda . . . " He says with patience that's already starting to strain.

"Just go away. You can't fix this."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do. If you, or any other cop for that matter could fix this I would have called in to the precinct."

"But instead you called me," he says reasonably.

She sighs, defeated, hanging her head, slouching against the door again. "Yes, I called you."

"So there must be a reason - "

"It was a mistake," she interrupts him, shakes her head and looks up - but not at him.

"No, it wasn't."

He touches her cheek gently and turns her to look at him.

"Hey, Amanda. Look at me . . . why did you call me?"

She drops her lids so that she doesn't have to look him in the eye. She blinks and very quietly says, "Because you listen."

"So talk."

* * *

Carisi sits calmly on her couch and watches her pace back and forth spewing anger and frustration, listening, taking it all in. Letting her get it all of it out. She needs him alright, but only as a sounding board right now. She's too agitated at this time to even consider a voice of reason . . . or a voice of comfort. He knows, he's tried - anything he says is ricocheted back to him by the front that is her anger.

So he waits.

Eventually the wind leaves her sails and she collapses onto the couch next to him.

"You were right," he says.

She cocks an inquisitive eyebrow at him.

"I can't fix this."

"No one can," she says dejectedly. "My family is fucked up."

"But hey," he says, taking her hand. "That doesn't mean you are."

"Yeah, right."

"No, I mean it. I know you're afraid about you and Jesse -"

"You mean about how terrible a mother I will make?" He sees her sniff hard to hold back tears. Her anger is giving way to sadness.

"See, that's just it. With all that is going on with your sister right now, you're still worried about Jesse."

"And?" she says with a touch of impatience and defensiveness.

"This is a good thing. It means you care. It means you don't want to make the same mistakes your mom did raising you and Kim."

"Doesn't mean I won't."

"You have the choice. You won't."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do. I know you."

"You know that my mom's an addict, right? Kim's an addict."

"Yes."

"Well the apple didn't fall far from the tree - I'm an addict too."

"What?" Carisi is astonished at her revelation.

"Yeah, me and my dad. Gambling."

He sits there in silence for a few moments, taking it all in. "But you're not doing that now, right? You're in recovery, right?"

"Yeah, for now."

"No, there is no 'for now.' You have a baby. A child to raise. You don't get to relapse."

"You're right," she says as she nods and wipes tears from her eyes.

"Hey, I don't mean to sound harsh . . . " He reaches for her.

"No. No. You're fine. You're right." She nods.

"Come here," he says and takes her into his arms.

"I don't like to be seen this way."

"What way?"

"Weak."

"I know," Carisi says as he strokes her back. "It's okay - I won't tell anyone."

* * *

He's been holding her for a while now and they are both quiet. Carisi doesn't think he's ever been this quiet in his life. But it feels right not to talk right now.

He finds himself stroking her hair to comfort her and wishes there was more between them than this. But then he vividly remembers her stinging rejection. With his cheek resting on the top of her blond hair, he squeezes his eyes shut against the memory.

He feels her hand rub against his chest and he pulls her closer. But her hand starts to trail higher . . .

And then it is on his cheek. She has pulled her head off of his chest so that she can look at him. He looks down at her with thinly veiled fear, nerves pulsating throughout his body. Is she . . . ?

"Carisi," she sighs, her hand cupping his head, pulling his lips down to hers.

He kisses her fervently. Is this really happening? She tugs him down, pulling him on top of her. He buries his face in her neck, kissing her, biting her. Then he hears her sigh and it sounds almost sad.

Wait! Should this be happening?

"Amanda. Wait."

He pushes himself back, breathing heavily.

"I'm not sure . . ."

She looks back at him confused.

"I don't want this," he breathes.

A short span of time passes and a look of disbelief crosses her face.

"What?!" she sounds pissed.

"Not like this."

"Are you serious, Carisi?"

And that settles it. If she really wanted him she would call him by his first name. He sits up.

"Yes, I'm serious. And you're not. You don't really want me. It's just . . . " He waves about. "You're in this mood."

She scoffs, "Are you calling me hormonal?"

Well, if she wants to go that route . . . "Sure, yeah. That's it."

Without looking at her he gets up off the couch.

"I don't believe you," she sits there shaking her head at him.

"Well, yeah. There it is."

"Even you're not that insensitive."

He stands there clenching his jaw, still not looking at her.

"You know what, Amanda? You're right. I'm not that insensitive." He turns to face her and points a shaking finger in her face. "I'm too sensitive. I didn't want to take advantage of you right now. I'm the good guy here."

She scoffs again, this time hurtling herself off of the couch towards him.

"Take advantage of me?"

"Yeah."

"Me? Are you kidding?"

"No."

"I can handle myself."

"I know you can, you're tough. But I still don't want to - "

"You know what the truth is Carisi?"

He just looks down at her, clenching his jaw again.

"You're not interested in the weak and pathetic. You just want the tough girl." She puts her hands on her hips and starts pacing. "Oh yeah, you come over here wanting to be the shoulder I cry on . . . but as soon as I do . . . Nope, not interested!"

She is right up in his face again. "But you wanted me the other day right?"

He continues to clench his jaw, ears burning at the memory of his rejection at her door. Despite this he works hard to contain his emotions, going against his very nature. He stays silent.

"You're such a hypocrite," she says and begins to walk away in disgust.

He grabs her elbow and pulls her to him. "Let me tell you something."

He doesn't know why he is going to say this, why he's putting himself out there one more time, but something tells him to keep the door open. So he says to her in a low, almost threatening voice, "If you're actually interested, if you really want me . . . then you need to tell me when you're not in this kind of mood."

He abruptly drops her arm, grabs his coat, and leaves without turning back.

* * *

I hope I hope I hope that Rollins' gambling addiction was something Carisi did not already know about (I don't have every clip memorized) . . . So sorry if he did - just please let me know and I will re-write this chapter to keep this story in canon.


	3. Chapter 3

"Amanda," he says quickly, nodding as he passes by her desk.

This was her first day back and the whole morning had been like this. It was quickly getting old. Uncomfortable silences from time to time peppered with quick courtesies. She hated the way he said her name now.

"Amanda"

Spoken all clipped and curt.

He used to say it with gentleness and caring, and quite slowly for a North-easterner. She had never even thought about how he said her name in the past. Now she missed it. And she missed a lot more than that.

She recalled the day she realized that he was actually a good guy. And worthy of her attention, not just her dismissal of him as an overly annoying, too eager friend.

Carisi had met her for lunch quite a few weeks into her maternity leave, back when she was going stir crazy sitting at home instead of working cases. He was the only one from the precinct that had made time to get away to see her. Even her partner Fin hadn't.

As she pushed Jesse ahead of her in the stroller Carisi had started giving her unwanted, off the wall advice about taking care of her baby again. He was really into it, fascinated by the whole process of new motherhood since his sister Bella had given birth. But when she got annoyed enough to tell him to try out some of his own advice, she was surprised when he actually did.

He had gently lifted Jesse out of the stroller and bounced her around in a away that soothed her quickly and made her crying stop. Watching him with her daughter made her feel something - some emotion she couldn't place. And after that she had softened towards him - started seeing him in a completely different way. She no longer discounted the emotions he so obviously wore on his sleeve. He wasn't doing it to be annoying - he just couldn't help it.

Which is why the current situation was so weird. Carisi, holding back? She must have really hurt him.

She wasn't ready that first time at the door. And that last time? That was ugly. She wished it hadn't gone down that way.

She wanders over to his desk and stands there waiting for him to get off of the phone.

"Can I help you?" he says politely after hanging up, but he does not lift his eyes from his desk.

She leans into him a bit, to afford them more privacy and whispers, "I wanted to talk to you."

"No can do," he says sharply and stands up. "I've got somewhere to be."

* * *

She sits and waits in the office through the lunch hour waiting for Carisi to get back.

"He's not going to show," Fin says to her.

"Oh, he'll show."

"Amanda, look, I don't know what happened between you and Staten Island during your leave but -"

"Nothing happened."

He looks at her sternly while she keeps a blank "innocent" look on her face.

"Fin, nothing happened."

"Yeah, right," he grumbles, going back to his newspaper for a bit before setting it back down. "You know what? I'm going for a walk."

Amanda doesn't even say a cursory goodbye to him. She still has her eyes on the elevator banks.

* * *

Carisi doesn't notice her when he first comes back to the office because he just isn't used to having her back at work yet. But as he's settling in at his desk he sees her rise from hers in his peripheral vision.

"Carisi," she says loudly enough that he can't pretend not to hear her. So he looks over.

She is leaning onto her desk, palms flat, arms rigid in the sleeves of her pink suit jacket. It is an aggressive posture.

"Come with me," she demands and starts towards the elevator banks.

Me? is his unspoken body language as he swivels around looking at the few people that are actually in the office at that time of day. One of them gives him a half nod/nudge indicating that he'd better follow.

He does.

He catches up with her as she steps into an empty elevator. "What do you need?"

"Get in here."

He does.

She presses the button for the lobby, but almost as soon as the doors close and the elevator begins its long decent down, she turns to him.

"I want you," she says matter-of-factly.

He stares at her a little taken aback. What?

"And if you want me, then take me," she says before he has too much time to think.

"Here?" he hisses as the elevator chimes, the doors open, and two elderly women get in.

She says quietly, "Let me ask you something . . . Do I look like I'm in 'a mood'?"

"Well, actually . . ." Then he groans like a frustrated teenager and whispers to her so the others won't overhear. "Poor choice of words."

She grins back at him.

As soon as the two ladies get off on the fourth floor she gives Carisi a devilish grin. "Tick tock."

Carisi anxiously waits as the door closes, getting in position to. . .

Ding.

And then he has her against the wall of the elevator. His hands are everywhere. So are hers.

* * *

Fin re-enters the building and hears a security guy emit a low whistle. He heads over to him.

"What's up, man?" Fin says.

"Get a load of this."

The security guy turns a screen around for Fin to see. It is running live footage from the elevators.

"They better work fast. Only two more floors to go."

"Damn," Fin says quietly.

"Some of yours?"

"Yeah."

"They won't make it in two floors."

"I think they have a longer game plan than that."

The elevator announces its arrival to the lobby with a loud ding but it seems like it takes forever for the doors to open. Out steps a disheveled Rollins leading a disheveled Carisi out of the elevator by his tie. The dumb fuck has such a stupid grin on his face that he doesn't even see Fin. But neither does she.

Fin turns back to the security guy, "Saw that coming down 5th Avenue."

* * *

They are a tangled mess in the sheets as they wake up in Amanda's bed.

"Mmmm . . . morning," she says as she rolls over onto his chest, but it's far from morning.

He's mostly unresponsive.

"Carisi!" she shakes him a bit.

"I'm awake, I'm awake," he starts to shoo her away and then realizes where he is. "Amanda? Oh, sorry about that."

"Good morning, sunshine," she says as she settles back down onto his chest.

"Yeah, it appears to be a good one, even though it's dark outside." He grins. "It's not every night that I get to wake up in bed with a hot blond."

"When was the last time?"

"Oh, I stopped counting," he says breezily.

"Yeah right, Carisi," she chuckles.

But he doesn't laugh with her at his own joke. The next thing he says comes out of his mouth with little mirth.

"Amanda?"

"Hmm?"

"Is this serious?"

She sits up in bed and looks down at him. "Isn't it a little bit early to be having this conversation?"

"Wait, bear with me. It has relevance to what I'm trying to say to you . . ."

"Okay."

"If say, down the road we get married - "

She pulls a bit further away from him and puts up a hand. "Wait. Carisi, stop right there. You're creeping me out."

"Look, I'm not saying I want to marry you right now, trust me. But the possibility that I might someday sort of consider it, you know . . . Not saying that I will of course, no promises. . ." He looks uncomfortable, like he's trying to backpedal, but it's basically too late to get out of this one. Eventually he stops struggling and goes on, ". . . well, if that situation should ever occur, it has bearing on what I want to tell you now."

"Okay." She waits for him to continue. He takes a deep breath and does.

"If we find ourselves married someday, you can't be in the habit of calling me Carisi. That would be your name, too. It would be weird."

She lets out a relieved sigh. "Oh, is that all this is."

"Look Amanda, I can't have something going on with someone who only calls me by my last name. It's a thing with me."

"I get it," she says. "But I can't call you Sonny. That's your family's name for you."

"How about my first name?"

"I might try that." She shrugs noncommittally.

She's teasing him, but he doesn't realize it.

"Look you don't have to. You can still call me Carisi and I'll know where I stand." He pulls his legs to the side of the mattress, preparing to get out of bed.

He looks back over his shoulder at her, his emotions as readable as ever. He's expecting rejection. "So this is when you kick me out, right?"

She comes up from behind him and wraps her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder. They are cheek to cheek.

"No," she whispers. "No, Dominick, you're a keeper."

FIN


End file.
